In which I live.

I recently took a job I knew I would hate.  

It was a decision based on the terrible job economy, incoming bills, and two months of unemployment after being sacked by my old job.  

I’m not quite ready to talk about the sacking.  I’m still seething in a bitter, angry pool of unstraightened emotions.  I’m not honestly sure how I feel, even though it’s been almost four months.  

I feel like I’ve been living in a sea of misery.  Before, my job bored me and I was miserable because I knew that, if I stayed where I was, I would be doomed to a mediocre existence.  Now, my job drains every speck of energy from me (and then some), I never have any free (because I’m always working) and I am constantly challenged (to the point where I feel completely inadequate).  

What am I doing?  

I’m teaching. 

I can tell you that the expression “those that can’t do, teach” is completely inaccurate.  I can also tell you that my superiors are less concerned with my knowledge of my subject and more concerned with my behavior management skills.  I’ve realized that teachers are superheroes and deserve every penny of their pay, every day of their three month vacation, and then probably more on top of that.  

I feel like a fraud.  I’m wearing my superhero costume, but the shoes are too big, and the cape is too long.  It doesn’t fit me.  

I’m enrolled in something called the “Beginning Licensure Teachure” program.  All of us are 1st, 2nd, or 3rd year teachers.  Many of us are lateral entry, which means that we haven’t got any educational license or training.  We’ve got basic degrees (B.A. in English, in my case) that qualify us enough to get a probationary license to teach our subject, with stipulations that we must obtain full licensure within three years. This program is supposed to grow us from little overwhelmed frazzled masses of miserable into our new teacher superhero outfits.  It’s supposed to help.  

I hope it does.

I’m going to start keeping a file of all the good things that happen to me in the classroom.  They do not outnumber the amount of bad things that happen to me, but perhaps, if I keep a good record, I will realize that the gems are worth putting up with the pebbles.   

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